We Need Another Portable Nintendo Like We Need Another Law & Order

Looky here. Nintendo might be making a GameCube even easier to carry into Gamespot to exchange for gamebucks. Awesome! [engadget]

Popularity: 5% [?]

Michael Jackson Hearts Fanboys

According to yesterday’s testimony from 23-year-old defense witness (and former Neverland Ranch guest at the tender age of five) Brett Barnes, Michael Jackson is a fan of pillow fights, movies and — surprise! — video games. Hey MJ, what’s your high score on Chou Aniki, anyway? [Courttv.com]

Popularity: 3% [?]

The Illuminati Barrels On…

Sumner Redstone and Bill Gates aren’t content with just one circle jerk:

In a new promotion, Xbox gamers who sign up for new Showtime service during a promotional period will get their choice of Xbox freebies. Gamers can choose between receiving two Xbox games, or one game and a starter kit with 12-month subscription to Xbox Live.

Mmmm, do we smell an L Word port? ‘Cause it smells yummy.

Microsoft, Viacom In Another Xbox Promotion [webpronews.com]

RELATED: Six Degrees Of Xbox 360

Popularity: 4% [?]

20,000 Geeks Under The Sea

Cephalopod nomenclature is both a science and an art:

At the Seattle Aquarium, volunteers named the octopuses according to their behavior. Leisure Suit Larry was named for a sleazy video game character, “because his arms were all over you,� Anderson said.

And here we thought it was because it smelled like fish.

Eight arms to hold you [Anchorage Press]

Popularity: 3% [?]

Nerd Reich

A former neo-Nazi (no, not the new Pope — he was an O.G. Nazi) tells University of Oregon students that he regrets, among other things, playing a video game called Ethnic Cleansing and Beyond. We can’t really blame him for that, though… didn’t IGN give it a 9.5? [Oregon Daily Emerald]

Popularity: 3% [?]

Game Monopolists And The Silicon Valley Papers That Kick Them When They’re Down

Electronic Arts is wishing it could replay the last quarter. The largest independent maker of video games reported Tuesday that its profit plunged 91 percent last quarter and it would lose money this quarter.

What can we say, we have a bitchy lede fetish. [San Jose Mercury News]

Popularity: 3% [?]

MCR Puts The “Fun” In Funeral

Hiya, necrophiliacs! Do you find the ‘net — although brimming with cadaver pix and the like — often lacking in MMOGs that appeal to your lifestlye? Your hopes and dreams? Goth rockers My Chemical Romance feel your pain, offering up an online game inspired by Helena, the sexy ballerina corpse from their music video of the same name:

…She appears in the so-brand-new-it’s-retro video game MCR posted on mychemicalromance.com. The game is a throwback to such coin-op classics as Dig Dug or Joust and features sub-pixel graphics and a cheesy, three-note rendition of “Helena.” Players have to guide the very active corpse through a maze of enemies aiming to put her back in the casket, all the while trying to free guarded pallbearers and make it to the next level.

If God didn’t want us to be attracted to dead bodies, why did he invent formaldehyde? Think about it…

My Chemical Romance Reanimate Helena For Online Video Game [MTV.com]

Popularity: 5% [?]

Best Of The B -’s

VS.

IGN doled out a lukewarm 8.0 for both of these shooters. You decide which is the lucky recipient of grade inflation and which is being punished for not having sex with the teacher (unlike someone we know, Unreal Championship 2: The Liandri Conflict). [IGN]

Popularity: 3% [?]

Morning Wood

Mmmmm, thighs. Mmmmm, ponytail. Mmmmm, awkward jumping. The new Tomb Raider: Legend trailer awaits. [GameSpot]

Popularity: 3% [?]

G4: All Growed Up

Before you know it, G4 will be trying on training bras and getting its first period! Is it us or is it blossoming into an actual network? X-Play is tepidly funny these days (darn good Dragon Ball Z: Sagas rant, Adam, we hate to say). “Big C”, that goofy black dude from Street Fury, got arrested on camera after attending an illegal street race – that took a ball or two, homey. And Attack of the Show! scooped everyone on the ATHF movie (and by “scooped” we mean reported on a story no one else in the media gave a shit about, but still, props!).

You guys almost deserve a bump up from a triple- to a double-digit cable channel. Cheers. Here’s hoping we jinx your success!

Popularity: 2% [?]

So Not Money

A Garnier television ad starring Heather Graham prompted us to do an IMDB search on the bottled blonde. Yeah, she was totally crunk in Swingers. But what’s this? She also did voice over work for EverQuest II, along with Mr. Count Dooku himself, Christopher Lee!? Who’s your agent, sluts, the Archbishop Don Magic Juan?

Popularity: 2% [?]

Weedend Pop Quiz

Who is Mike Jones? Why is Scott Savol’s fat ass still on American Idol? What is Gizmondo? [GameInformer]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Survival Of The Geekiest

There’s an exhibit at the Museum of the Moving Image in Queens, NY, that explores the evolution of video games.

Oops, sorry Bible Belters, of course, “In the beginning, GOD created video games.” We slipped! We denounce Darwin! We lick Jesus Fish! It’ll never happen again! Please don’t hurl fire bombs at us like you did when we visited the abortion clinic! That really hurt! [News 14 Charlotte]

Popularity: 2% [?]

GameFAQs: All Dressed Up And No Place To Go

There’s something different about GameFAQs … new hair cut? That’s not it. Nose job? No… Oh wait, I know. Its homepage is now puke yellow (swatch appears left)! Neat-o. Hope that encourages even more bile-fueled reviews. Ahh, yes, we found one from yesterday. Here are some closing comments about Xbox’s Star Wars: KOTOR — you know, that game that scored like a 10.0 in every professional review:

I seriously urge anyone not to buy this game or even rent it. It is not worth your money or your time. And if you get the urge to play it, go outside and bang your head on a car’s hood, you will get more enjoyment out of that than playing this game.

Well said, “Death_on_Impact”. Up yours, Lucas, and like those hundreds of zillions of people who bought and loved this game. You’re all too moronic to know that it sucks — your car hood awaits!

[GameFAQs' newlook frontpage!]

A Star Wars RPG That Everyone Should Ignore… [GameFAQs]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Bloody ‘Ell, Governor!

What happens when Prince Charles and his equine wife Camilla finally procreate (sorry, we just threw up A LOT in our mouth)?

Namco tries to resolve our quandary in its upcoming FPS for the PC:

Hellgate: London is a RPG in the first person perspective set 25 years in the future. Introducing a world filled with demons where the last humans meld science and magic to battle this ancient evil.

Namco’s Latest Has London Burning [GameSpy]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Intervention Time At The House Of Stile (No. 3)

My God… Stile must be snorkeling around in a pool of Redbull and liquid crack over there as it only took him a week to update his website. Goodie for us, though, ‘cuz that means more flash games including a reality/animated space shooter and a unicycle sim. Oh, and the best one is an interracial version of Donkey Kong. How very progressive, Stile — we enjoyed Guess Who, too!

[STILEPROJECT.COM]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Porn! Online! Finally!

Jenna Jameson has a new online game where players can interactively “simulate sex” with the world’s most famous porn star — let the premature ejaculation amongst gamers commence! When you “recover”, download a free preview or play the full game for $9.95 on her website. [VirtuallyJenna.com]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Ladies, Forget Bra Burning…

… in fact, forget bra wearing while you’re at it! Ah, we kid the womens, but seriously: Were you offended by 1UP.com’s top ten list of “girlfriend-friendly games” (which included Ms. f’in Pac-man)? We totally were. But instead of macing the writer or kneeing him in his woman-hating nuts, why not apply for a scholarship to EA’s USC summer video camp and prove to the world that not only do chicks (usually*) have good taste in games, they can develop them, too:

The company said Wednesday that any female junior or senior student in high school can apply for a scholarship to attend the four-week Interactive Entertainment summer camp organized by USC’s Viterbi School of Engineering. The scholarship covers admission to the camp, room and board at USC, and three college credits for successfully completing the program. EA said the inaugural camp in 2004 failed to draw any female students, so it is hoping that the scholarship will encourage more young women to attend. Applications can be sent to ea-usc-scholarship@ea.com until May 15.

* DDR and Barbie Fashion Pack being the obvious exceptions.

EA funds scholarship for USC video game camp [ZDNet]

Top Ten Girlfriend-Friendly Games [1UP.com via Kotaku]

Popularity: 3% [?]

The Return Of Earthquake’s GI Tract?

In 1997, naive arcade owners decided to give the “Hyper Neo Geo 64 Jamma” machines a try, and Samurai Showdown 64 was one of the platform’s only games. Don’t remember that 3D mess? SNK thanks you for having such weed-damaged brains. But SNK Playmore is giving a next-gen version another go, according to GameSpot:

The game will be called Samurai Spirits: Tenka Ichi Kenkaku-den, and will run on Sammy’s Atomiswave arcade platform. This weekend, SNK Playmore will be beta testing the new title in selected Japanese arcades.

SS:TIK has an accompanying official web site, for all you Japanese-reading showoffs.

New Samurai Shodown coming to Japan arcades [GameSpot]

Popularity: 3% [?]

This Would Be Funny, Were It Not For The Dead Granny

I have a friend that once fell asleep (drooling!) while playing the not-so-thrilling Dungeon Explorer II on my PC Engine Duo-R — but this is ridiculous:

Authorities near Sacramento, California say a teen-age driver apparently fell asleep at the wheel after staying up all night playing video games. The car swerved off the road and crashed — killing the driver’s 87-year-old grandmother and critically injuring his brother.

Police: Teen driver nodded off after night of video games, grandmother dies [KESQ]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Trade In Your Pot O’ Gold For Store Credit!

Just when you thought GameStop employees couldn’t get any drunker:

Three Irish businessmen have joined forces with video games retailer, GameStop, to roll out the brand in new shops across Britain. The first British GameStop store opened in The Bullring, a futuristic shopping centre in Birmingham, three weeks ago.

Irish join video game retail roll out [The Post.Ie]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Stress Relief

Why we’re quoting from a Kiwi paper, we’ll never know. But…

The Pentagon has spent US$4m to create virtual reality “video games” that simulate combat situations in Iraq, to help treat traumatised soldiers on their return to the US. The project has been created to help treat the thousands of troops returning from tours of duty suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSS).

It’s like we never got our darn leg blown off by that Iraqi’s remote-controlled bomb — thanks video games!

‘Video games’ used to treat traumatised soldiers [New Zealand Herald]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Late Night With Conan In ’06

Before Ahnold was an upstanding, Mexican-hatin’ Republican, he was acting much more like a Democrat, groping strange women and frolicking about Hollywood in a furry codpiece. Funcom reminds us of Gov. Krazy Kraut’s better days in its latest MMORPG project, Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures, due out next year.

Age of Conan is set after the titular barbarian–following many years of bloody struggle and plunder–has become king of the city of Aquilonia. “But,” according to Funcom, “Conan’s rule is on the brink of chaos, spiraling towards the doom of ancient evils.” The game will incorporate the various elements of Howard’s “dark, lush, violent, and sinful universe,” including “cruel gods, mythical creatures, lost civilizations, and a struggling human race.”

Just try and cross California’s closed borders, Thulsa Doom.

Conan the Barbarian to battle online in ’06 [GameSpot]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Say Hello To My Little Over-hyped Movie Port

This fall Scarface (no, not the autobiography of Tina Fey, but the mafia movie) is coming to the PS2 and Xbox. Rent it for the false hope that you’re as cool as every D-list celebrity tard on MTV’s “Cribs”, buy it for the racist Cuban-American stereotypes:

Al Pacino will be lending his likeness, but not his voice, for “Scarface: The World is Yours,” which is based on his 1983 hit film “Scarface.” Although Pacino will be the only original actor seen in the game, “Scarface” cast members Steven Bauer (Manny Ray) and Robert Loggia (Frank Lopez) are lending their voices to new characters. Other actors signed on for roles are James Woods, Jay Mohr, Cheech Marin, Michael Rapaport, Michael York, Miguel Sandoval and Robert Davi.

Call us crazy but with a line-up like that, we’d like to see some really original and innovative advertising to get the word out. Something like, oh I don’t know…posters? Posters that could hang on the walls of college dorm rooms and frat houses across the country!!! Nah, you’re right, it’d never work.

Al Pacino in ‘Scarface’ video game [Canoe Wham!]

Popularity: 5% [?]

Cartoon Games = Satan’s Renaissance

North Carolina’s bill banning the sale of “graphically violent” and “sexually explicit” games to minors better pass already before America’s impressionable youth get brainfucked by this upcoming filth:

Animaniacs [IGN]

Teen Titans [Y!]

Peanuts [gameindustry.biz]

HURRY North Carolina, before Peppermint Patty and Marcie pull something dykey!

Popularity: 2% [?]